By Will Yannacoulias
Photos by Tracy Creighton/Copperblue Design
For ten years, the cross-border punk rock community has largely ignored an international dust-up dubbed by no-one ‘The Fap Battle’. Two separate bands, a Saskatoon trash-punk duo and four skins based in Dallas, Texas, have apathetically argued for exclusive ownership of the moniker “The Faps”. The Texas Faps boasted seniority, while the Canadian Faps claimed it on geographic strength, being significantly closer to The Pole. It appeared as though the Name Game was locally lost as Saskatoon’s Faps announced April 1st that they were rebranding as Grimelda, and any outstanding gift certificates would NOT be honoured.
“We were tired of being a bad band with a dumb name that no one likes, so we decided to be everyone’s favourite band with a cool name” Grimelda patiently explained to NSMZ. “Now when you wear one of our shirts and your grandma says ‘that’s a nice shirt, what does it mean?’ you can just say it’s a band instead of telling her that it’s onomatopoeia for the sound of masturbation, originally found in hentai, an erotic sub genre of Japanese comic books wherein school girls have sexual relations with the monstrous tentacles of demons and/or space aliens… cause that’s a lot to put on someone on their 90th birthday.”
NSMZ reached deep in the heart of Texas to congratulate The Faps on their Pyrrhic prize, only to uncover an unexpected twist. “We’re not currently an active band.” J-Rod faplessly disclosed in an exclusive statement. “We are still writing passively and doing a reunion show each year. One could say the Sakatchetoon bitches and us just came to a draw. 0-0 since both bands are complete shit.“
The Faps have not shared an official date for the beginning of their hiatus, so we at NSMZ are reluctant to declare which rat was first to flee the sinking ship. Grimelda will be performing all your favourites at the Sled Island Music & Arts Festival in Calgary, Alberta June 22-26.